Saturday, July 19, 2008

Promises.. maybe..

She wants to give up.. i couldnt give in.. y couldnt i jus give in to her..
i want her to be happy, but instead caused her so much more pain..
i thought of just giving up.. but i couldnt bear to..
maybe im just too selfish.. maybe i really should let her fly..
After all, many people said that u dont have to be with someone to love someone..
maybe i just want to be loved in return..
maybe im just too stubborn..
maybe if i could start all over again..
now i cant even call her Fifi..

this is painful.. it hurts when i see her angry, it hurts when i see her drained, it hurts when she says she wants to give up, it hurts when i see her cry..
Again and again, i made her cry... my heart wrenches whenever she cries, and my world crumbles as well.. i made too many promises that i couldnt give.. said too many things that i dont mean, too many apologies that come too often.. im just.. too conceited..
I thought that after every quarrel, things would return to normal and everything she mentioned was only in a moment of spite..
should have paid attention..
attention.. it has always been my problem.. i didnt have it in class.. didnt have it before, and still didnt bother to have it now..
I've made too many mistakes, now i may not even be able to redeem..
i'll keep on trying but im still only human..

my whole world is crashing down.. y did dad become like this.. y does mom not know anything..
been avoiding them this whole week.. but can i stay like this forever?? i cant face them.. i dont know how.. grandma once told me tt i had to be the bridge among us brothers.. tt i had to stop my dad from end up on the hospital bed the same way as her.. but now dad seems like a stranger, i dont noe how to care anymore.. one day everything will just spill out from me.. one day i'll end up killing my dad.. i want to run away.. Fifi was my only comfort.. the guys did joke and cheered me up abit..
but now my home isnt home anymore.. i feel so terrible staying in here..
maybe if i just disappear, the secret will disappear with me, and everything will be jus like b4..
maybe im just deluding myself..
maybe this is the last post..
after all, she made this blog for me, if shes no longer with me, if she no longer reads, if she no longer cares, posting anymore would be meaningless..

y did i have to lose it to regret.. maybe my long planned birthday wish would not have a chance to come true.. maybe i wouldnt have a chance to wish it together with her.. maybe she would never know it.. maybe no one will.. maybe it will stay inside me.. forever.. maybe i would never have a chance to say those 3 words in person ever again..

Labels:

Posted by hmmm.. at 9:36 AM